Silence

Silence is a new thing for me. I am now living solo as of this morning, and I already feel the loneliness setting in. I dont hear Stacy shuffling around in her room, Drea watching Smallville, or Ashley bursting in the door with new gossip. Instead all I hear is my typing, a few annoying birds outside my window, and the occasional creapy noise from within the apartment.

After my last two Highland amigos departed today I decided to protest against my previous requirements for the day and to pursue a more lazy lifestyle for the time being. I already know this is a bad decision. I have so much to do- SO MUCH. The reason for this, as stated in my previous blog, is that my new life is here. When this reality first showed itself it came to me like a hard smack in the face, and I was not prepared. Now it's as if I went back into denial mode to try to reverse this real world sickness.

So what did I do today? Well, instead of researching for my new camera that I attempt to purchase this weekend, or do some more job hunting, I decided to just pause life. To forget about it all and get lost in Smallville. (A show that is starting to get the best of me since I can't stop thinking about different superpowers I wish to possess). After a few episodes I thought a nice hot shower would be nice. The result: I spent an hour lying on the bathtub floor letting the water hit me and reflecting on this past month. I feel as though this is going to be a regular routine for me. Which is certainly frightening. I seriously need to get my act together..Maybe it is this silence that screws me up. Maybe when I had my roommates around who have all their shit together and know where they are going and what they need to do to get there I felt more motivated to do the same. Now I just have me. I procrastinate, I am lazy and I am broke. Sweet. If this is how my summer has started, I am very curious with myself to see how I can pull myself together and what the rest of this summer will bring.

Am I too old for this?

So it's official. I have now graduated from college and am off to conquer the "real world". This statement alone is hard enough for me to grasp. The reality of it is so suffocating that I would prefer to push it off a little longer. However, that is no longer an option. I will say, denying the enivitable is a great talent of mine. Somewhere in my life I decided to take the whole "seize the day" routine, which is fancy way of saying forget about the consequences of your actions. Being the spontaneous person that I attempt to be, it is nice for me to pretend that nothing, or no one will be affected by things I do, so I role with it. But thats a whole different story.

Now here I am at 21 years old, and feeling way too young to be thrown into such a scary world where everyone is shoving expectations down your throat, or just waiting for you to fuck up. I am by no means ready for this.

If I take a look at the big picture, the fact that I for an instance feel sorry for myself is sickening. I realize that there are many individuals who were forced to grow up at a much younger age than I, for one reason or another. I have a great life. A great family and support system, and no reason to pity my future. Unfortunately that does not stop the sick feeling from creeping into my stomach when another person asks me what I plan to do next. Because in all honesty I have no idea. I know the realm in which I am to pursue, but nothing firm to hold onto. All I want to do is turn back time and embrace being young and carefree.

There are so many questions that I have for my future. The question that haunts me the most, is whether or not I am becoming too old for the life I lead. Many people will hear this and say things like, "you are only as old as you want to be", or "age is just a number". But lets get real here-there is a point in your life when you are too old to get sloppy drunk with your friends and run around naked in the parking lot. Or too old to binge eat fast food all day, for the depressing reason that your metabolism is slowing down. What about trashy magazines, hoochy makeup, and jello shots? These are things I am NOT ready to give up! My strong desire to hold onto these meaningless forms of young adulthood scares me. Will I ever transition? When will these things become less desirable? Maybe it will be like when you stop playing dolls as a girl. First you are embarrased by your want to continue to pretend, but since everyone has becomed more obsessed with makeup and B. Spears, you start to deny your love for Barbie and Ken. Then slowly you start to see what they mean, and why these new things in life are exciting. Before you know it you have no problem packing up the toys and slabbin on some lip gloss. Hopefully my transition into the real world will be just as easy, but I doubt it.

These rambled sentences spewing out of my mind are starting to sound a bit depressing. Have no fear, it is not my life that saddens me, or scares me. It is the life of many other miserable adults who stare into my eyes and tell me to enjoy being young while I can. While I stare right back hoping I never end up like them. Luckily there is a part of me that continues to assure me that I never will. And there is a part of me that knows I should look forward to in my future. So far my life has been full of wonderful adventures, and I know that there will be more to come. I just hope that I don't have to give up on those things that keep me young, keep me laughing, and keep me excited about this journey called life.